so...i am tired of being lonely...i really want someone to be with because this lonely shit aint cutting it anymore..and it makes me really sad...at this point i just want someone who can keep me happy and not make me depressed every five seconds like adam did...and i want someone that will like me for who i am...and not what i look like because guys that are like that make me really sad and i get really low on myself and yeah...
ben is weird...lol..."no me moleste mosquito ay!" that is what he is yelling at me..."well thats cuz you are poking me in my armpit!" stupid ben...lol
anyways....so there is this person that i really like...but i cant tell her...because im really not supposed to...and i need to get over her because nothing will ever happen between us again...something already happened between us...way way back a really really long time ago...but that was a really long time ago and as much as i want that back i dont know if i actually do...because i need to get over it...its something that i want...and i had a dream about it...and recently for some strange reason my dreams keep coming true...so hopefully this one will...but i dont think so...i dont know what to think...i have to have a talk with this person...because i am on the brink of a pseudo breakdown about this whole situation....i dont know...
im just tired of being lonely...i need to find someone that i can be with that will make me happy...one day i will be happy...
"im going to be happy someday"

gah! i dont know what to write. theres so much crap floating around in my head. i think ill start with conrad... hes mad at me. i dont know the next time ill talk to him but i think ill live. i dont know why i care. moms right. i need time apart from him. everyone is right. i need to focus all my energy on finding who i am beneath the "conrad exterior." i need to spend time alone. i need to figure out my problems and try to fix them as best as i can. maybe i should take jenns advice and go see tyler. i really think it would help. i think it will be somewhere where i can tell someone my true feelings for everything. i dont have anyone like that. i dont have anyone that i can truly vent to. about everything. i need someone like that.  i need someone that i can trust. someone thats outside of my little hole that i have dug myself into. someone that can help me out of that hole. someone that can be there to help me grow and show me how to fix my problems. ive never had anyone like that. well... i cant say never. ive had people that have kinda helped with my learning and growing. i dunno. i just think that maybe she will help me. i dont know when i should go though. i dont even know anything about this ish. i dunno. ill call jenns mom today after school when i get home and talk to her about it. maybe jenn is right. maybe this would help me. i just dont know how to tell her im sorry. im sorry for everything ive done. i never notice how much i hurt people. ive just always noticed how much people hurt me. even those great people in my life have hurt me. it sux getting hurt. i know how it is. ive lived just about everyday of my life hurt. every single fucking day of my life ive been hurt in one way or another. i dont know why i put myself through this shit. i dont know how i can do it. i just bottle it all up inside. its still there. its always going to be there. i dont tell people how i feel. i need to change that. i need to change just about everything about myself that people have pointed out about me. this isnt me. the lying just isnt me. i dont know how to fix it. ive done for a long time. ive lied to everyone. and now its going to bite me in the ass and say "haha! its your fault!" i dunno. i really need help. i mean yeah when jenn mentioned it my heart sank and my eyes started watering up with tears but shes right. i do need help. i need alot of help. i need something. this isnt the first time that ive thought about this before. conrads even mentioned it to me when he had his therapist. i laughed at him and told him no. besides that i had a thought about it and didnt know how to start going. now im serious about it. i need to do this. not only for myself but for the world. they need to see the true sasha. the one that was around before all this shit happened. its tearing me down. the whole situation. its literally tearing me down. i cant do anything without thinking about it. i cant live with this lingering over my shoulders anymore. i need to talk to someone. someone not involved. someone not the people that i talk to about it all the time. just someone different. i really need to do this. thanks jenn. thanks for everything. thanks for just being my best friend.